How to Leverage Listening for Smoother Relationships

Bottom Line Up Front: Listening only happens when others feel heard, and how well we listen is based on our intention while the other person is talking.

Many of us often enter conversations with the intention of multi-tasking or judging what we hear. I call these Distracted Listening and Defensive Listening, and neither are helpful for building a stronger relationship with our conversation partner. When we value the relationship with the other person and we want them to feel respected and understood, we need to practice Connective Listening.

In Connective Listening, we enter the conversation with the intention to fully see things from the other person’s perspective regardless of whether we feel that they’re right or wrong.

Connective Listening in Practice:

• Find a private, quiet place to talk.
• Allow plenty of time – even if that means notifying your next appointment that you may be late or unable to attend.
• Focus on them fully and avoid distractions like calls and messages.
• Ask clarifying questions when you need to, but never interrupt.
• Allow them to “empty out” or give you their full perspective while encouraging them to tell you more.
• Occasionally ask to double-check your interpretation of what you’re hearing so you can get a full, accurate understanding.
• Use friendly, encouraging body language like smiling, nodding, and leaning in a little bit to show you’re interested.
• If you feel your nervous system starting to activate a fight or flight response, take a few slow, calming breaths to avoid the amygdala hijack.

Want to keep going?

• Think of the times when you felt like someone truly listened to you. What signaled to you that they were listening?
• As you look at your appointments for next week, see if there’s a meeting where you could mindfully incorporate one or more of these techniques. Write down what you want to do or do differently, and leave yourself a note as a reminder.
• Learn more about using connection, protection, and appreciation to strengthen relationships at work with my 2024 book, Shifting the Energy: How Love Leads Remarkable Teams.

About the Author

A former communication executive and global leadership advisor, Jessica Walter has been helping leaders solve culture, engagement, and communication challenges since 2002.

She spent 15 years on the executive teams of government, non-profit, and publicly traded businesses before transitioning into research and advisory roles, including senior positions at a global consulting firm.

Her research includes leading multiple studies on communication, relationships, and leadership effectiveness that included input from more than 200,000 employees across multiple industries, job types, and geographic regions. She recently published the insights from her research in her book, Shifting the Energy: How Love Leads Remarkable Teams.

In 2023, she was a featured speaker at the annual conference of the Society of Industrial and Organization Psychology where she gave a presentation on burnout and the joint responsibility of leaders and employees to reduce burnout in the workplace. Her advice has also been featured on CNN Radio and in HR Director magazine, Training Magazine, Training Journal, Exeleon Magazine, Mindful Marketing, Becker’s Hospital Review, and PRSA’s Strategies & Tactics.

Jessica studied Executive Influence at Wharton, earned a master’s degree in Leadership & Business Ethics from Duquesne, and earned a bachelor’s degree in Mass Communication from Towson. She holds the Accreditation in Public Relations (APR) and certifications as a Leadership Coach, Lean Systems Leader, and Hogan Assessments Advisor.

She lives near Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, and is the mom to a former U.S. Army Paratrooper from the 82nd Airborne Division.